Songs for the Sick

"Love Travels at Illegal Speeds" is one of my all time favourite albums PERIOD (as those yanks would say)

Even though it was made 10 years after the time I'm describing, from the first time I heard it, the songs took me back to this particular time in my life in 1997.  The hours I have spent going through my old paper journals in the past few weeks have been painful to say the least, but through that pain I have found a deeper sense of healing.  CLOSURE (another phrase those yanks are fond of) is something that I never had with this relationship and I think pouring this out onto digital pages has certainly helped me with that. 

In the years that have passed since this time, I have often felt very alone and unloved.  But one of the loneliest feelings is the feeling of having never really been in love.  I had convinced myself of this...that the many weird and wonderful relationships I have shared with the male species over the years have not been anything all that special.  But now I realise I had blocked out the total and complete and undying love I had for "D", probably due to how awfully horrid the end of our affair was.  My journals at this time often documented the sheer disgust I felt for him and his drug habit, however there were also quite a few glimpses of just how HUGE our love for eachother was.

I have been trying to piece together the words to go along with the beautiful song "See a Better Day" for days now but I cannot finds word strong enough to convey the deep emotions and love I felt for this person.  I am crying and laughing at the same time when I come to this realisation.  

I really, really fucking loved him!  Crap!

Of course the totally terrifying conclusion to this puzzle that is my mind, is that the reason I got the journals down from the attic in the first place is because I am going to meet the elusive D in a few weeks time in London!  The first time we will have laid eyes on eachother in 12 years.  We have been emailing and phoning eachother for a while now...oh the joys of the internet!  Just think of a time before the internet when all our past could have stayed in the past, not be drudged up through some messy, late night instant messaging session....

*note to self - Always switch off computer when 4th glass of red wine has been consumed.

Its funny, I remember one of the first things he said to me when we rekindled our knowing of eachother online was that he appreciated how much I was there for him back then, and how I never judged him for what he was going through...but reading back these old journals it seems like I did A LOT of judging.... a lot of harsh and unfair judging because I was no angel myself...far from it.  I think I should thank him for loving me unconditionally despite me emotionally abusing him like I did.  We were both very sick.  He was sick from heroin addiction and I was sick from alcohol, ecstasy, acid, valium, anti-depressants, shopping addiction, self-harm, suicidal tendancies and borderline personality disorder....in retrospect I was a lot sicker than he was but it went unnoticed because I didn't have the physical scars.

So maybe I will get to writing about , how we came to be together, how we fell in love, how much we felt for eachother.... or maybe I should just wait a few weeks until I meet him again and am reminded of why I left him!!!  haha not really...he is SOBER now...or so he says...he never was a good liar so I will be able to tell right away...he seems ok on the phone now, better than the first time...I think he's actually more nervous than I am.  Weird.

I did find one journal entry that lasted for 10 pages with just the words "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT MAKES ME SICK" in bright red marker...maybe i'll just post that as a symbol of the greatest love of my life.  Heh.

(anger from many different pages, mostly directed at YOU).

How many angry words can you fit into one journal?

Anger.  Bitterness.  Betrayal.  Spite.  Rage.  Rape. 

The dirty scumsucking pieces of shit.

Why can't you see these people aren't your friends?

Don't you get a clue by the fact they live in a crack den?

When did you become so ridiculously stupid?

Stop looking at my tits when you're talking to me!

There is no love lost between us, only braincells.

I love the fact that you're going to be in a mental institution by the time you're 30 and I won't come visit you.

Oh you got held up at your sister's did you?  Then why did I see you skulking past The Forum at 2 in the afternoon?

Kentish Town is home to all Irish, homeless, drug addicts..thats why I live here with you.

If you love me so much, why did you bang my head off the wall?  Valid question I think.

Oops did I really leave the grill on and go to work when you were still in bed? 

Just a shame I didn't remember to take the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

ALL I ASKED YOU TO DO WAS BUY FUCKING RED PEPPERS AND YOU GOT GREEN!

YOU ALWAYS LET ME DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU ALWAYS LET ME DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

White grains of sand slipping through my finger tips as the sun warms my pale skin. The smell of salt water and Ambre Solaire, the sound of the wind and children running into the crashing waves, my feet sunk deep in the sand, my love at my side.  I love the seaside.  I have had a strange fascination with collecting shells ever since I was a child.  I have 100s of them.  I particularly like the broken ones.  I don't know if this is significant. 

We decided to leave the dirt of the city behind and spend a weekend by the sea.  This to me is what life is all about.  Doing absolutely nothing while looking at the blue water, breathing deeply, feeling really alive.  We must have walked for miles and miles, just walking and talking and laughing and plotting our future together.  

We ate fish n chips and candy floss (not together although that might be interesting).  We had strawberry ice-cream cones and rides on the hobby horses.  I felt like a child again, playing in the sand, splashing in the cool water, holding hands and kissing like we were 13.  Wasn't love grand at 13?  There were no complications.  It was so simple.  Holding hands.  Building up the courage to kiss.  Feeling a bit icky when you felt a tongue in your mouth for the first time.  Feeling that mixture of complete terror along with unknown pleasure when his hand groped your breast.  Thats what this weekend with D felt like.  We were away from all our complications, all our fears, all our lies, just US.  Nothing more, nothing less.

Of course the springs in the manky old bed of the B&B were even more knackered by the time we left so it wasn't quite so PG fun....it wasn't even a 13....or an 18!...what comes after 18?  Oh yeah PORN.  Fun.

Lovely rain 

I shall forget you presently, my dear,

So make the most of this, your little day,

Your little month, your little half a year,

Ere I forget, or die, or move away,

And we are done forever; by and by

I shall forget you, as I said, but now,

If you entreat me with your loveliest lie

I will protest you with my favorite vow.

I would indeed that love were longer-lived,

And vows were not so brittle as they are,

But so it is, and nature has contrived

To struggle on without a break thus far, --

Whether or not we find what we are seeking

Is idle, biologically speaking.

~ Edna St. Vincent Millay, I Shall Forget

Today my brain is too numb to navigate around the mess that is these journals and my mind.

I took a nice drive in the rain to Dundalk and got very lost.  Traffic cones are very confusing.  There was even an entire roundabout made out of traffic cones. I also drove up a one way street and almost died.

I really shoudn't leave the North.  The South really is confusing. 
Silly money they use too.